hell, or a woman's dressing room?

Hello guests, and welcome to Hell, Or a Women's Dressing Room? You'll hear a description, and then you'll have 3 seconds in which to buzz in with "Hell", "Women's Dressing Room", or "Both". Your time's on the clock. Ready? Go!

After wandering around in search of an employee for fifteen minutes, you find a tiny-skinny woman

with lots of eye makeup and a key on a stretchy coil around her wrist. She is either talking on the phone with her boyfriend or talking to a second employee about her boyfriend. Rather than interrupt, you politely signal her by waving your armload of dresses at her and smiling expectantly. The tiny woman waits for a full count of thirty seconds before rolling her eyes and saying in a perfunctory-cheerful voice, "Ohhh, did you want to try those on?"

Answer: Women's Dressing Room*

You enter a large dark room full of shadowy figures drinking coffee. Hey, you think,

this isn't so bad... as an imposing iron gate slams shut and an amused sadistic voice says,

Okay boys, break's over...

Answer: Hell.**

Having spent the last ten years overcoming the overwhelming societal urge to hate your body,

you find yourself surrounded by articles of clothing that come nowhere near fitting you, despite being

tagged with what is supposedly "your" "size". In the background, ghouls shriek and you hear grown women saying "Well, this dress will be perfect as long as I can lose ten pounds by next Friday." They are completely serious.

Answer: Women's Dressing Room.

You enter a tiny room, and are immediately blinded by a sickly yellow-green light. When your eyes adjust, they can look upon nothing but parts of your body that you were never meant to see close-up. Frantically, you try to cover your body with nearby swathes of cloth. As a swath gets stuck over your head, a long-clawed hand outside starts rattling the handle.

Answer: Both, most likely.

* Men's dressing rooms are nothing like this. The difference is not limited to the obvious fact that men's clothing is sized in logical units of measurement, ensuring that the average guy can walk into near any store, grab a fistful of clothing, glance at the tags, and buy them without a second thought. Oh no. I've been shopping with J. before. Attendants are helpful. They bring clothes and then discreetly disappear. They refrain from making editorial comments about your gut or informing the entire dressing area that you need a larger size. It's as though these salespeople are screened upon hiring: oh, you're nice, you work in the men's section, oh, you're a raving anorexic bitch, go work in the women's department and pretend that nothing comes in a size as large as (gasp) a 12.

I am not bitter at all.

** The old joke goes, a man died and went to hell. The devil said, 'You can choose which of these three rooms you will spend eternity in.' So the man goes into room one, where all these souls are standing on their heads on a carpeted floor. 'Lemme see the next room,' he says, and goes into room two, where everyone is standing on their heads on a hardwood floor. 'That's even worse,' he says, 'let me see room three.' So he walks in and everyone is standing around drinking coffee -- the only thing is that they're standing ankle-deep in this foul liquid. That stuff is vile, he thinks, but drinking coffee must be better than standing on your head. So he chooses room three, just as the devil says, 'Break's over, boys, back on your heads!'

"Hell is full of high court judges, failed saints / we've got Cardinals, Archbishops

Barristers, certified accountants / Music critics, they're all here.

You're not alone. You're never alone. Not here you're not.

Okay, break's over."

In short, I spent Saturday afternoon in a pained search for a dress to wear to Augusta's wedding. Guess what? I may wear a size 12 in every other piece of clothing known to man, but apparently that translates into "size 14 is way too tight" in dresses.

I leave the shopping mall dresslessly, and guys on the street whistle at me. Someone's on crack here, and I don't think it's me, and I don't think it's those guys. I love the fashion industry.

Monday 08 October, 10:03 PM